Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
