I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
