dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Pooping to opera.
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