Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
