dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
