I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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