you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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