I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
