she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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