Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
