3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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