i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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