My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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