So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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