@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
