My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
