Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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