The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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