Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
