Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Randomize
