Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
