I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
