Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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