so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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