Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
