is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
