I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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