Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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