Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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