over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize