I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
