OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
