when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
