Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You're like the curious george of whores
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
