when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
