I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
