Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
