Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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