Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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