I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
