was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
