I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
