Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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