so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
