Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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