If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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