My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i can't believe i had my finger in that
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
