Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
