I have demons in me.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
