Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
