look no pants
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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