don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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