I showed him my bush... on skype.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You are the jesus of drinking
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
