making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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