he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
