I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
