I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
