So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
