I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
