I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Randomize
