I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
