It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
