I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
